Pleasure of Pain
by Katlover98
Summary: After Dean's death, Sam wants to feel on the outside the way he feels on the inside and allows himself to be used by strangers. When Dean comes back though, all of that will change. SPNKINK-MEME, more inside Warning, Wincest TW: Bad BDSM practices, rough sex, prostitution, mental illnesses, and a few others. Read at own risk


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 **Sam gets addicted to being roughly fucked by strangers, and it's even better when he gets paid for it (he feels even more dirty) - while Dean's in hell; what happens when Dean finds out once he's back? H/C Plz**

 **Disclaimer: Don't own the characters; I'm just using them for my entertainment.**

 **All mistakes are my own**

Sam stumbled, unable to walk in straight line. He took another swig from the bottle of whiskey, the reason he couldn't walk in the first place. He had just come back from a crossroad where he had failed to make a deal to bring Dean back. Sam felt an ache in his heart thinking of Dean and took another swig from the bottle. God, he missed his brother like a limb. No, that's not right, you could learn to live without a limb, and Sam didn't think he'd ever learned how to live without his brother.

Sam couldn't walk anymore. He let himself slide down on the floor of an alleyway up against a wall. He stayed there for an hour, shivering and missing his older brother. He had long since finished the bottle and he could feel the pain returning tenfold. Why had Dean sold his sold for such a pathetic, dirty piece of shit like him? He deserved to be burning in Hell, not his brother.

Dean had given up his life to save a pathetic freak like him. If Dean knew how Sam had felt for his older brother if he had found out the truth of Sam's thoughts towards him…Well, he'd be the one burning in Hell right now. But Dean didn't know and he sold soul and now here he was the fucked up little brother, alive, while his older brother burned in Hell for him.

"Hey, how much for the night," Sam looked up to find an overweight, middle-aged, dirty man. He was obviously a trucker.

"'Scuse me?"

"How much for the night," he asked more slowly as if talking to a child. Sam took a real good look at him. While he was almost twice his age Sam could tell that he was a fairly good looking man…If you get over the dirt and smell he was giving out. Sam didn't even know where it came from but instead of telling him to fuck off he said, "Two hundred for the whole night."

The man nodded, "I'll give you five hundred if you let me…do other stuff to you."

Sam shrugged and got up, the man helped steady him. They walked a block from the alley to a motel room; the John put his hand on the small of Sam's back and didn't take it off. The man paid him and before Sam knew it he was naked in a room with a complete stranger old enough to be his father. The man got naked and Sam was surprised to find some muscles under the clothes as well as an impressive looking cock.

Sam had always thought himself as bisexual but had never actually gotten the nerve to have sex with another guy. The most he had done was some heavy kissing and frottage. Now here he was, in a room with a man he didn't even know the name of about to have sex…for money.

The man took out two pairs of cuffs, "Ready, puppy?"

Sam ignored being called a puppy, "I was born ready."

A few months later and Sam had become a pain slut who was paid a ridiculous amount of money. No matter which town he went to he always found a few people willing to pay him to whip, bite, hurt and basically fuck the shit out of him. Could he do it without getting money, sure, but he felt so much dirtier when paid, it just highlighted how much of a freak and dirty bitch that he was. He loved being in pain and feeling helpless. He usually got tied up, cuffed, or immobilized in some way, shape, or form and it made it a hundred times hotter.

He still looked for ways to get Dean out of Hell, (Sam would _never_ stop trying to save his brother). He hunted demons left and right trying to find a way to get his brother out of the pit. He had even looked for a powerful warlock that had been alive for centuries but it had all been for nothing.

A few weeks after he started selling himself, he ran into Ruby. She had claimed to want to help him, saying she was running from Lilith. He didn't fully trust her but a few days later he had slept with her. She knew how to push his buttons and dominate him. She didn't need ropes to hold him down what with her strength and powers. After that, he had stayed with her for a month but then one day she tried to convince him to use his powers and to drink her blood. He had refused and that night the pain had been even worse; he had loved it.

He had woken up in the middle of the night and hadn't found Ruby so he went to look for her. He saw her on the edge of a line of trees and he walked out silently, his hunter instincts telling him something was wrong. He hid and saw her talking a bowl that was undoubtedly filled with human blood if the dead woman with her slit throat was anything to go by.

"Don't worry, Lillith, I will get him to use his powers. I already have him in the palm of my hand, he'll do what he is meant to and then our Master will walk free again…Yes, I will…thank you…whatever you say."

She had stopped and turned around to come face-to-face with Sam holding her knife, "you really shouldn't leave this lying around."

"Sam, I can explain."

"You don't need to explain anything," without any other words he had stabbed her in the stomach. He watched emotionless as she fell to the ground, dead.

Now, he was getting out of the shower and watched the blonde woman who had just spanked his ass and thighs red as she got dressed. She turned around and smiled at Sam.

"So, boy, I really had a good time tonight," she handed him a wad of hundred dollar bills and he took it and put into his back pocket, "You're going to be here any longer, I wouldn't mind playing with you again," she slapped his sore ass and his dick did an interested jerk.

"Sure, I'll be here a while," he had tracked a couple of demons to Pontiac, Illinois. He wasn't planning on leaving anytime soon.

"Great, how about we meet outside at nine o'clock P.M., I'll make today seem like a walk in the park. Oh, I'm also thinking of bringing a bigger, thicker dildo. Make sure you really feel it," another slap to his ass, "tomorrow."

Sam couldn't wait, "That would be awesome."

She gave him a peck on the lips and opened the door and came face-to-face with someone who looked like Dean.

"Heya, Sammy," the _thing_ said. Sam attacked without a second thought.

OoOoOoOo

Sam still couldn't believe even after being with Dean for over a week. A part of him thought a. Dean was going to disappear into thin air, b. Sam was dreaming, or c. he had gone crazy. But no, he knew Dean was back. He had been brought back by _angels_ of all things. Sam now knew that if angels pulled Dean out of Hell than Dean was better than Sam. He was good and pure and _righteous,_ everything Sam wasn't. It just highlighted how wrongfully Dean went to Hell and all to save his fucked up little brother that does deserve Hell.

 _Demon blood, I will never be worthy of Heaven._

Sam felt that itch showing up again, the one that always led him to a corner or a BDSM club; the one that always ended with him in tied down, dominated, and in pain. After Dean came back the itch had taken a background check but now, after a week, it was returning.

The fact that the Apocalypse was on top of them, Dean was having nightmares and becoming more and more shut off with everyone around, and that Sam was keeping secrets from Dean had him craving the pain and degradation. He needed it like he needed air. The problem was sneaking off without alerting Dean to his new recreational activities. Sam knew that if Dean found out he'd be pissed at Sam, would forbid him to continue, and then watch Sam like a hawk and never leave him out of his sights. Sam sighed, which had Dean turning to look at him; he really shouldn't do that while driving.

"Something wrong, Sammy?"

"Nah, just thinking. You know, what with the upcoming Apocalypse and other stuff," Sam looked at Dean pointedly.

"I don't want to talk about it, Sam."

"I thought you said you didn't remember."

"I don't," Dean turned up the radio. They didn't talk the rest of the drive.

A few days later Sam woke up to find Dean's bed empty, "Dean?"

Sam looked towards the bathroom but the door was opened and there was no one there. Huh. Maybe he had left to find a bar or something. That meant Sam could leave right now and Dean wouldn't be the wiser. Sam felt guilty as he got ready to look for perverted John but the itch had grown too big to be ignored any longer. The longer he had waited, the more agitated and absent-minded he became. Absent-mindedness could get them both killed in their line of work.

Sam put on his most revealing, tight clothes and then thought for second before putting some regular clothes in a little bag. He could lie to Dean if he asked where Sam was but he couldn't come up with any excuse for the leather tight pants and the tight, sleeveless, black shirt he had on. Better to avoid all of that.

Sam walked for two miles, getting deeper and deeper into the bad side of the town. He saw other hookers standing in the corners waiting for a patron. Most of them were women but there were a few men thrown in there, most of them teenagers. Sam found a corner and stood there trying to look as young as possible.

Soon he had customers coming to pick him up but none of them were giving what he wanted. He still went with them and got paid and while it helped scratch the itch a little it just wasn't enough. Just as he was going to call it a night two buff men showed up and looked Sam up and down. Sam smiled at them, inviting them to come closer.

"Hey, sweet pea, how much for the night?"

"If both of you at the same time, three fifty. Seven hundred if you want to," Sam paused for dramatic effect and licked his lips, "do anything you want to me."

Both men smiled, the biggest one took his hand and they went to look for a motel.

OoOoOoOo

Sam was being pounded by two dicks at the same time. Both the men were hitting all of Sam's sweet spots making him horny as fuck. Unfortunately, they had slipped a cock ring after getting him hard so all he could was take it. It was torture; it was exactly what Sam craved. Before the fucking started they had spanked him with a paddle for over an hour. Then they had played with his prostate, getting him right to the edge and then stopping. After that, the cock ring had come on and hadn't gotten off since. They had been fucking him for over two hours, each man taking turns before double penetrating him.

Sam couldn't do much but beg and moan around the gag they had put on him. He couldn't do anything but take it. The man on top of Sam licked one of Sam's tears; they were tears of frustration. He really needed to cum, dammit, now!

"Hey, Mark, I think our little slut wants, ugh, to come. He's crying like the little bitch he is. Do you think we should let him?"

"Hmm, I don't know, there's nothing better than fucking a whore who doesn't get to come."

Sam's dick got impossibly harder hearing the man, Mark, say that. Fuck, he was a freak. Unfortunately, though he really needed to come so he tried begging some more. Both men laughed and started pounding Sam even faster and harder. Two minutes later Sam felt hot, sticky cum being pumped by both men deep in his ass. They had paid extra to not have to use protection. Sam had accepted excitedly.

Both men ended up panting at the end. Sam could feel both of their hot breath on his neck. Soon they started kissing each other while still inside of Sam. Sam couldn't help but whimper, dissatisfied while still horny as fuck. The two guys laughed and pulled out of Sam; he couldn't help but whimper again at the emptiness he felt. Each man got a hold of one of Sam's legs and then pushed them up to his chest, watching as cum leaked out of his asshole.

One of the men took some of the spunk from Sam's asshole while the other one took off the gag. The first man put his dirty fingers in front of Sam's lips, "Lick, whore."

Sam did so obediently, wanting the humiliation. He sucked and hummed over the man's fingers, "Jesus, you really are a whore!"

"Um-hmm," he hummed around the fingers.

The other man chuckled, "I think we've had a good time tonight, I say we give him a tip."

No sooner were the man's words of his mouth there was a wad of hundred dollar bills being thrown to his chest. Sam whimpered; that was hot. The other man took his fingers out of Sam's mouth and went to take off the cock ring. Sam came just as Dean had kicked the door open.

Sam didn't even have a chance to blink before Dean had his gun out and pointing it to Mark, "Get the fuck away from him."

"Whoa, man, are you his pimp 'cuz we already paid him and we have no complaint."

Dean's response was to take the safety off, "Get…the…fuck…away from my baby brother."

Fuck, these guys didn't stand a chance. To make matters worse the other man opened his mouth, " _Baby_ brother, hate to break it to you dude, but your baby brother is a whore."

Dean growled and got tense. Sam knew that Dean was ready to attack. Sam got up and got in front of Dean not caring that he was naked, "Dean, stop. I consented to all of this is not like I was raped."

Dean growled, Sam turned to look at the two men and saw that they were frozen in fear, "Go, hurry up!"

Sam's voice seemed to have broken the spell because they ran as fast as they could, looking between Sam and Dean making sure Sam had Dean under control. Sam shut the door behind them. Sam then turned and looked at Dean. Sam almost whimpered looking at Dean's pissed off, frightening expression. What he _did_ end up doing was distancing himself from Dean.

Without warning, Dean caught Sam's bicep and pushed him to the bed making him fall on it. He then threw Sam's clothes and gruffly said, "Get dressed, we're getting out of here."

For some reason, the order chafed at Sam. He got off the bed and looked Dean straight in the eyes, "no."

"What?"

"I said 'no'. I still need to clean up considering I have a bunch of spunk falling down my thighs."

At that statement, Dean looked down and saw the whitish liquid going down his legs; if possible his face contoured from anger to fury, "You let them fuck you without protection?! What the fuck were you thinking?!"

"I was thinking I could get laid and make some money while I'm at it," Sam went towards the bathroom before Dean could say anything else; it looked like he was about to have a hernia, "Now if you excuse me I have to clean up."

Sam closed the door and a few seconds later heard, "You have ten minutes, Samuel, if you're not out by then I'll drag you out."

Sam winced when he heard his full name being said. When Dean called him 'Samuel' in that tone of voice he knew he was in deep shit. Sam took a deep breath and concentrated on cleaning himself. He didn't want to think what would happen the moment he got out. He had just started relaxing when he heard the pounding on the door.

"It's been eight minutes, Sam, I suggest you get your ass out of that shower and get out here, now!"

Sam sighed, exasperated, Dean really needed to take that stick out of his ass. It's not like Sam was doing drugs or killing people. He was just having sex. Sure he was paid for it and his clients were kinkier than your average John, and maybe he enjoyed being humiliated and sexually tortured...Sam lost his train of thought.

He had just finished dressing when Sam smelled something burning. Without a second thought, Sam opened the bathroom door and took a look. He had opened it just in time to see his brother throwing the wads of cash into the burning trash can.

"What the fuck?!"

"Good, you're out, it's time to leave, now."

"What the fuck, Dean, you just burned my hard earned cash," Sam watched as Dean's jaw started working, just like it always did when he was beyond pissed.

"It was $2300, I'll pay it back to you," he answered through gritted teeth.

"I don't want your money, I want _my_ money!"

"Tough, I'm not going to let you take that, that _whore_ money!"

"Why do you even care, money is money. It doesn't matter where it came from."

"Really, does it look as if I don't care where it came from? Now stop arguing and get in the car, we're leaving."

"No, you can't tell me what to do or how to live my life."

Dean gritted his teeth and then got a hold of Sam's right bicep. Sam flinched at how hard Dean was holding on to it.

" _Tough_ , I don't care what you want right now and considering that I'm older and raised you I _can_ tell you what you can and cannot do. Now get your ass in the car or I'm dragging you out of here kicking and screaming if I have to."

Sam stopped struggling, it would be easier to give in but Sam wanted to fight because he knew if he left with Dean he'd never be able to sneak out again and get fucked. At least not easily and Sam doubted Dean would let him out of his sights anytime soon. But he couldn't do much, his only other option would be to leave but he just got Dean back, he didn't want to separate from his brother… Sam felt Dean tugging and he followed without any more complaints. He'd just have to take whatever Dean was going to dish out. Besides, he was resourceful, if he wanted to scratch another itch he could find a way.

Without letting go of Sam, Dean opened the passenger door and waited for Sam to get in before locking it and closing it. He was in the driver's seat in less than three seconds. Sam rolled his eyes; did Dean really think Sam would just leave like that? Apparently so. It didn't take long for Sam to figure out that they were going the opposite direction of where their current home sweet home was.

"Where are we going, the motel is back there."

Dean ignored Sam, "Dean, where are we going!"

Sam watched as Dean gritted his teeth, "Don't worry your stuff is in the trunk."

"I didn't ask if my stuff was in the trunk, I asked where are we going?"

"Somewhere else."

Sam rolled his eyes, "Oh, gee, that so answers my fucking question."

"Sam, I suggest you give me less attitude because I have half a mind of pulling this car over and giving you the spanking of a lifetime."

"Kinky, but spankings usually cost two hundred, three if you want to use something other than your hands."

Sam actually coward in fear at hearing Dean's roar of pure rage. The car swerved a little and Sam could only thank God that they were driving down an empty road. Sam tried to scoot as far as he could from his older brother but there wasn't much space in the Impala. Sam decided to stay quiet and let Dean simmer, he was too afraid to keep poking the angry bear with a stick covered in honey and bees.

The next hour was spent in tense silence. No music, no talking, and Sam was sure he could hear Dean gritting his teeth.

' _Don't grind your teeth, they'll break off,'_ Sam didn't think that would help break the silence but God, it was killing him. Sam felt his muscles protesting from staying in one position for so long, tense. Finally, half an hour later, Sam got the balls to break the quiet in the car.

"How'd—how did you find me," he whispered, afraid to talk any louder. Dean gritted his teeth and after five minutes of ignoring him, Sam didn't think Dean would answer.

"Cas, I found you because of Cas," great, an angel blew it for him.

"I had just come back from the past," Sam stared at his brother. Did he just say the past?

"I saw mom and dad. God, Sammy they were so young, so full of hope. Get ready for this bombshell, mom, before she married dad, was a hunter."

" _What?_ "

"Yeah, apparently she and our grandparents were both in the hunting business. Crazy huh," Dean continued to tell Sam of everything he saw. How Azazel was making deals to enter people's homes in ten years. How Azazel killed their grandparents and then John. Mary made a deal to bring John back so they could have their happily ever after. Sam felt like crying, he was cursed from the start and his mom, his mom that had wanted a normal life with John was only fulfilled for ten years. It had all gone to hell because he had been born. It was his fault.

"I—I still can't believe it. Mom was a hunter and making a deal with Azazel…It's crazy. No wonder I have demon blood in me, that's what he wanted."

Sam watched as Dean tensed; fuck, Sam just said something wrong, "I never said anything about demon blood, Sam."

"Fuck," he whispered silently but Dean heard him.

"You knew? This whole time you knew what Azazel did to you and you didn't think that was something I had to know? How long have you known and when did you plan on telling me?"

Sam said nothing, " _Were_ you planning on telling me?"

"Were you," Sam shot back. There was a tense silence for a few seconds before Sam broke it again.

"When should I have told you, Dean? I found out in Cold Oaks just before I got stabbed. Should I have told you when I was dying, when I found out you sold your soul? No, maybe I should've told you that the brother you were going to Hell for was a freak, or maybe when you were getting mauled by the hellhounds."

Sam sighed, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I was waiting for the right time and could never find it. I was hoping I could save you first before I gave you the bad news that your little brother is a freak of nature; the same freaks that we hunt, that aren't fully human."

Sam saw Dean tightened his hold on the wheel, "You're not a freak, Sam, and if I hear you talking like that again I'm going to punch you in the nose."

Silence reigned again for a few minutes before Dean dropped his tense posture, "Go to sleep, Sam. We'll deal with it all in the morning."

Sam wanted to argue; there was _nothing_ to deal with in the first place. He kept his mouth shut. Dean was giving him an out and Sam wasn't stupid enough to pass it up. He didn't think he'd fall asleep but before he knew it darkness had taken over him.

After a six-hour drive, Dean pulled up in front of a different motel. This one was cowboy themed. Great. Dean turned to look at his sleeping younger brother. He looked so young and innocent. He _was_ young, innocent… Dean watched as Sam squirmed in his seat, trying to get comfortable. Dean felt anger in the pit of his stomach when he remembered seeing Sam's ass a bright cherry red, purple already starting to develop on his thighs and buttocks.

Dean got out of the car and went to pay for their room before he woke Sam up by shaking him and demanding to know what the fuck was going on in his big, over inflated head. For being the smart one Sam really did stupid shit. Dean got back in the Impala and drove to the last motel door where he parked the car. There were no other cars near them; good.

Dean opened the passenger door and shook Sam's shoulder to wake him up. Sam opened his bleary eyes and looked around, confused. Dean felt something deep in the pit of his stomach at seeing his baby brother's face. He mentally shook his head, now was not the time to perv after Sam. Dean waited a minute and he saw the moment everything that had happened hit Sam. Dean crossed his arms as he stared his little brother down; he gulped before giving him a defiant look. Fine, if Sam wanted to play that game Dean was more than ready to do so.

Dean got Sam by the biceps to help him out of the car just to be pushed away. Dean gritted his teeth and went to get Sam again. He got a hold of Sam's bicep so hard that he didn't doubt that there would be bruising. As Dean dragged Sam into their room his little brother tried to make Dean let go of his grip on him. Dean just held on tighter.

Dean finally let go when they entered their current home sweet home. At least it was clean. Sam went straight to the bed farthest from the door and sat down. He winced a little as his ass hit the bed but quickly composed himself.

"I'm going to go get our stuff, you stay here."

Sam huffed and turned his back to Dean. He didn't say anything just went to get their stuff. He entered to find Sam's bed empty, the bathroom door closed, and the shower running.

"You'd better not use all the hot water, Sam!"

He was answered with silence. Dean huffed and threw the duffels to each of their respective beds. Dean sat on his bed and started channel surfing, not really paying attention to what was on it. All his thoughts were consumed on his little brother.

How could Sam put himself in danger like that? He was letting strangers fuck and _hurt_ him! What was the point of it all? Questions circled around Dean's head until he saw the clock and noticed that it had been almost an hour since Sam started the shower. Dean frowned and knocked on the door.

"Sam, what's going on," only the shower could be heard, "Sam open this door or I'll kick it down!"

Dean waited a few seconds and was just about to kick the door down when he heard it unlock. Dean slowly pushed the door open and saw a wet, naked Sammy sitting on the bathroom floor, "Sam what's going on?"

"None of your business," Dean gritted his teeth to keep in a retort that could cause more trouble.

"C'mon, get off the floor, it's dirty."

"If you want to keep telling me what to do you have to pay me, it's the only way whores listen."

Dean looked up and started praying for patience to a God he didn't really believe existed. After counting to ten he looked back at Sam and was about to start ordering again when he saw Sam's body shaking from silent sobs. Dean froze and then frowned, what the hell, wasn't Sam just glaring and smart mouthing at Dean?

"Sammy, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, leave me alone," Sam was now shivering and Dean wasn't having any of that. Dean found a towel and wrapped it around Sam. Up close, Dean could see how pale Sam was. His limbs were cold and stiff. Dean helped Sam get up and then have dragged him to the farthest bed from the door.

The moment Sam hit the bed he laid down and pulled the blanket up to his shoulder. Dean frowned, "Sam, you need to get dressed."

"I don't want to, I don't feel like getting up again."

Dean's frown deepened, what was wrong with Sam? There was something wrong, that's for sure. Sam wasn't acting the way Dean thought he would. He wasn't shouting at Dean for burning his money, he wasn't trying to defend his actions, and he definitely wasn't trying to tell Dean how independent he was, that he was a big boy now. No, instead he seemed depressed, low in energy like a rain cloud had settled over him.

"Sammy," Dean laid behind Sam scooting his younger brother, blanket and all, closer to himself, "what's wrong?"

Sam shrugged. Dean held Sam knowing that sooner or later Sam was going to talk. Sure enough, a few minutes passed and a crying Sam started explaining to Dean what was going on with him.

"It's called sub-drop, okay, it happens sometimes after a scene, particularly a hard one, and when there is little or no aftercare. It'll pass in a day or three."

Dean's hold tightened, he'd heard of sub-drop but didn't know what it was per say, "What can I do?"

"Just hold me like this, please?"

Dean did. He didn't let go until Sam had fallen asleep and then he got off. His traitorous body had started doing stuff against his will and he'd rather Sam, who was still naked, didn't wake up to his perverted older brother's wood. Dean rubbed his hand over his face and then opened up Sam's laptop. He put in sub-drop in the search engine and read about it. The more Dean read the more worried he got. Sam was going to experience a bunch of physical and emotionally draining pains in the next few days.

Dean gritted his teeth. Apparently, subs, like Sam seemingly liked to be, needed proper aftercare after a play, or scene. The dom or doms had to cuddle with him, give him water, chocolate, talk to him, anything really to bring down all the hormones and endorphins without him crashing into a bad place. Those two douchebags were already getting dressed when Dean caught him and hadn't done any of the required things to stop a sub from crashing. Fucking assholes.

Another thing was worrying Dean; Sam was selling himself to these people. He wasn't going to a club, to people he knew and could trust he just let any random douchebag pick him off the street and let that person do whatever they wanted to him. Dean doubted Sam was getting any aftercare from those people. So what had Sam done when he hit a sub-drop by himself? Dean didn't know but he would find out soon. He closed the laptop and looked back at Sam. He was sound asleep and Dean doubted he would wake up soon. Making up his mind Dean pulled the blanket up to Sam's chin as it had slid off and left to find the nearest Walmart. He had some shopping to do.

Sam woke up to the rustling of plastic bags. He didn't move trying to get a feel of the mood in the room. He could feel he was still naked underneath the blanket. He heard Dean move around the room and he didn't dare move a muscle not wanting to hear a lecture when he felt like shit and, he could admit to himself, ashamed. God, he hated sub-drop.

"Sam. Little brother, are you awake? I have something for you."

Sam pretended to be asleep. Soon he felt a dip on the bed and then warm arms around him, "I know you're awake, Sam."

Sam stayed silent for a moment, "You're not mad?"

"Concerned, scared for your safety, confused," Dean sighed, "I wasn't mad at you, not really, I was mad at what you're doing to yourself. Sam, you let random strangers fuck you…for money. It's one thing if you have your kinks but a different thing when you go to the streets to get money off of doing stuff like this. Sam, you could get hurt, murdered…A demon or random monster could get to you!"

Sam played with a loose string on the blanket that was covering him. He didn't want Dean to know how addicted he was to those little moments, how much he loved being treated like the worthless, shameful trash he was.

Sam didn't even know he was crying until calloused fingers wiped away the tears. Sam stayed still, wanting, no needing, the warmth, and safety Dean's arms provided. Just for a minute, Sam could imagine that his older brother loved him the way Sam did. It was all over too soon as Dean pulled away and went to the table.

"So, I bought chips, salads, bubbly water, orange juice, chocolate, popcorn, bread, bananas, peanut butter and," Dean took out a few DVDs, "I bought all the best hits of the eighties and nineties."

"Um, thanks?"

"You're welcome, now get dressed and I'll set everything up."

Sam pulled the blanket around him and looked for some clothes. Dean had his back to him so he quickly put on a pair of his softest sweatpants, his ass was too sore to wear scratchy boxers, and a white t-shirt.

"I'm dressed," Dean turned around and gave Sam a small smile.

"Good, now, what do you want for snacks? Popcorn, chocolate, or a peanut butter sandwich with bananas?"

"The sandwich, please?"

"Okay, go pick out a movie and put it on while I do this."

Sam did as Dean asked and put on Jurrasic Park. Sam sat on his bed and pulled a pillow up to his chest, hugging it. It made Sam feel a little better. Dean sat down next to Sam and handed him his sandwich. Soon, they got lost in the world of dinosaurs. About halfway through the movie, Dean pulled Sam up to his chest so they could cuddle. They stayed like that through three more movies.

By the time the movies were done Sam had felt a little better but was tired. He hadn't done anything all day but sub drop tended to do that to a man. He yawned and got comfortable in Dean's arms. Dean stroked Sam's arms and hair alternatively and Sam couldn't help but preen under his older brother's administrations. He was just starting to fall asleep when Dean asked, "Why—why do you do it, Sammy?"

Sam stiffened in Dean's arms and then shrugged. He didn't feel like talking about it and was hoping Dean got the message and let it go. It worked, kind of, "Fine, I won't ask but we _will_ talk about this, Sam."

Sam remained silent and let himself be pulled into a restless sleep.

OoOoOoOo

A week later Dean could tell Sam was better, which meant that Dean felt it was time to question Sammy. After all, Dean felt he had kept his questions on hold long enough and didn't feel like prolonging the Interrogation of Sam. He had gotten up before Sam to get breakfast, hoping questioning Sam while they were eating would make things a little less awkward.

Sam was already up when Dean came back with breakfast; he was rubbing his eyes and damn if he didn't look adorable.

"Hey, brought breakfast, get over here so you can eat."

Sam did what he was told while yawning. He was clearly still waking up so Dean put the cup of coffee right in front of his face. Sam gave a grateful smile before thanking his older brother. After his first few sips, Dean could tell Sam was more alert.

"What'd you bring for breakfast," he asked, "Brought you an egg white omelet with spinach and a fruit salad."

"Awesome," Sam said, before digging in.

Dean waited until both of them had finished most of their breakfast, "Sammy."

Sam must have sensed Dean's mood shift because he looked up quickly, alarmed.

"Why," was all Dean asked.

Sam's face went downcast and he didn't look at Dean, instead preferring to play with the few pieces of fruit that were left over.

"Sam, we're not leaving this table until we talk. I'm worried about you, Sammy, please, just talk to me."

Sam didn't move but Dean could tell that Sam was looking at him from behind his bangs, so he asked once again, "Why, Sammy?"

"Why does it matter," he answered back.

Dean was surprised at Sam's reply but he didn't miss a beat, "It _matters_ ," he emphasized the word, "because you're my little brother and you're letting people hurt you. It _matters_ because you're having sex with strangers without any protection, it _matters,_ " he grabbed a hold of Sam's chin and forced him to look at Dean, "because you're treating your body like an object instead of as a treasure, like the treasure you are, Sammy."

Sam moved his eyes around, looking at anywhere but Dean's face; he wasn't having that and got in front of Sam's line of vision again, "It matters," he said more softly and with more emotion behind it, "because you are my baby brother, the most important thing in my universe. You are my everything Sammy and it kills me to think about the way you are treating yourself."

Dean could see the unshed tears threatening to overflow from Sam's eyes, "Please, Sammy, explain to me, make me understand, why are you doing this to yourself?"

"Because I'm worthless, I'm dirty. I'm an impure, selfish, destructive monster. Because I caused your death! Because a good man died in my stead, and not just any man but _the_ Righteous Man. Because I _need it!_ I need to feel on the outside how I feel on the inside, like a worthless whore that's only good to be used and discarded. Because I love you as no brother should ever love a brother and I have to be punished for it!"

Dean was stunned at Sam's confession and though all of it was important it was the last part that got to him. Sammy loved him the same way Dean loved Sammy. How could he have been so blind? He was taken away from his thoughts when Sam pushed him away and ran to a corner.

"Sam, what's wrong?"

"Oh God," was the only thing he said. He slid down to the floor suddenly, like a puppet that had had its strings cut. Dean frowned, he didn't like that comparison. Dean went to up to Sam and sat by his younger brother. He made sure not to touch Sam. Dean doubted that Sam would like that in the moment.

"Sammy, it's okay, I promise," he tried to reassure his brother. Sam ignored him and shook his head.

"No, it's not, you can stop pretending that it's not, I know it isn't. I'm a freak."

Dean didn't like Sam's dejected tone or the words he was saying; how had Dean not noticed how badly Sam saw himself?

"Well, if you're a freak I am, too," Dean said, "Sammy, I've been in love with you for so long now it literally hurts me."

"You don't have to pretend, Dean, especially if it's to protect me."

"I'm not lying, Sammy, I love you so much, I always have. I never did anything though, because what kind of pervert lusted over his younger brother? I wasn't going to steal your innocence like that. If I had known then I would've—I would've," Dean took a deep breath, "but I didn't."

Sam still looked unconvinced so Dean did the only thing he could think of, he kissed Sam. Sam gave a squeak of surprise but then he melted against Dean. Dean put every ounce of love, adoration, and passion he could behind the kiss to show Sam that he wasn't lying.

They broke it off to breath but Dean didn't let go of Sam and looked deep into his brother's eyes where he saw a spark of hope, "do you believe me now, Sammy?"

Dean could see that Sam was warring between disbelief and hope. Dean kissed Sammy again and then held him, "I will always love you, Sammy, don't ever forget it."

Sam was lying on the bed with his older brother spooning him from behind. It had taken a while but Sam finally believed what Dean had told him; his brother loved him the same way Sam loved him. Apparently, he'd been looking at Sam that way since Sam turned fifteen.

"It was after you had come out of a shower and you had forgotten to take a towel, I saw you naked with water drops slicing through your skin and that was when I noticed that you weren't a little boy anymore but a hot, young man, I've been perving after you ever since.

Sam didn't tell Dean that he'd been seeing Dean that way since Sam was thirteen. It was just too embarrassing. Sam felt Dean's lips on his neck and he couldn't help but sigh and snuggle closer to his older brother. He felt so content and loved that the itch he always felt was gone. They still had a lot to work through but Sam knew that as long as his older brother loved him he'd be able to overcome anything.


End file.
